T is for Troll
by YesIEatQuiche
Summary: Fred and George introduced us to the infamous mark of T, but have you ever wondered what "troll" writing really looks like? Read if you are in a curious mood, but be warned it is not supposed to make coherent sense exactly. Oneshot, I think.


**Summary: Fred and George introduced us to the infamous mark of T, but have you ever wondered what "troll" writing really looks like? Read if you are in a curious mood, but be warned it is not supposed to make coherent sense exactly. **

**A/N: FYI this is meant to be silly and stupid – please read it as such.**

**Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is infinitely above such writing. **

T is for Troll

_Roonil Wazlib – such an immature and misapplied piece of writing I have ever set eyes on. See me after class. ~Prof. Binns_

**Prompt: In your opinion, did wand legislation contribute to, or lead to better control of, goblin riots of the eighteenth century?**

When Merlin first invented the wand, he could not have predicted such a blatant misuse of its powers – even if he was the great great grandson of a gifted seer such as Sibyll Trelawney. (Likewise if Sibyll Trelawney has known how trying and unreliable the 'inner eye' could be, perhaps she would have taken up tapdancing instead. Furthermore, if God had known what a hassle goblins would turn out to be, the wizarding community would have hardly a care for goblin riots in the 18th century [not that many share a genuine care in this subject today].) What many scholars fail to realize is that during the late 18th century, America saw a massive influx in goblin migration, leading to increased crime in major metropolitan areas. To be sure this put pressure on America's government to stifle goblins, but it was a net positive effect for Britain: the goblins decreased in number and became too few in number to muster a riot above 564 goblins and 3 house elves. As is common knowledge to anyone who has extensively studied the goblin culture and its subsequent effect on society as a whole, goblins require 565 souls to riot (the cunning creatures found an extensive flaw in the wand legislations that allowed them to enact riots if they gathered in palindromes over 500 on the 3rd Tuesday of any given month [they then needed six house elves for various sacrificial procedures, but that is quite another story in and of itself]) consequently I declare that one cannot answer a question so unknowledgeable of the facts of goblin culture. It is of my educated opinion that wands never had any contribution to goblin riots, yet in those special exceptional cases that are nearly always the norm, pointy sticks of all variety (not just the magical ones) led to increasingly violent, sadistic, and enthralling riots.

And now for something completely different: a man with three noses. Little known in the wizarding community is that when Albus Dumbledore broke his nose as a teenager, it fractured in three places: a medical anomaly that magic could not heal. To be sure having three noses has not hindered his life in any way; in fact as the chocolate frog card states: "Professor Dumbledore enjoys chamber music and tenpin bowling" (b1, 103). What's more: "Mr. Nicolas Flamel, who celebrated his six hundred and seventy-fifth birthday last year, enjoys a quiet life in Devon with his wife, Perenelle (six hundred and fifty-eight)" (b1, 220). The two subjects are irrevocably linked and have both lived long enough to realize that wand regulations rarely work. Therefore, Goblins are stupid, clever little creatures (stupid, because they are not clever enough to make their own wands, and clever for making so many think they are). Goblins, moreover, have been proven to be rather sensitive to noses themselves. I quote a random Gringotts spokesgoblin: "but we're not telling you what was in there, so keep your noses out if you know what's good for you" (b1, 141-142). Notice the purposeful use of "noses" which could have been replaced with fingers or toes. As the oft heard saying goes, three noses are better than one.

As for the justification behind the legislation of wand regulations: every functioning, modern wizarding society cannot survive without them. Without laws, magic could neither exist nor function. For instance, if Newton had neglected to write his three laws of motion, how would one calculate the trajectory of a wand thrown by an angry rioting goblin? And yet goblins are not the only ones who cannot utilize wands at all times. The Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery (1875, Paragraph C) states: "underage wizards are not permitted to perform spells outside school, and further spellwork may lead to expulsion from said school" (b2, 21). One cannot simply perform an Indian burn hex on an irksome classmate. Even ghosts abide by rules and regulations. The Headless Hunt Society clearly establishes: "we can only accept huntsmen whose heads have parted company with their bodies" (b2, 134). Everyone has their standards and would do very well to force them on others as to not seem out of place. Returning to the legitimacy of wand regulations, goblins have little right to complain as wizards are similarly forced to abide by their standards. I quote the Gringott's door: "Enter stranger, but take heed / Of what awaits the sin of greed, / For those who take, but do not earn, / Must pay most deeply in their turn. / So if you seek beneath our floors / A treasure that was never yours, / Thief, you have been warned, beware / Of finding more than treasure there." Just as a wizard cannot pilfer galleons from Gringotts, a goblin cannot wield a wand. (And what right do goblins have to the claim of protesting wand regulations? What of squibs, who mix with magic just about as well as sodium and water? Why does one not hear squibs crying for their liberties and freedoms? All goblins should simply subscribe to Kwikspell. End the tyranny! Halt the injustice! [And very bad eggs!])

And herein lies the complexity of this perplexing issue. For if a goblin wields a wand with no witnesses, can one safely say it happened? In effect, no such thing truly occurred because there is no proof. And where proof lacks, there can be no law. One must be constantly vigilant to root out illusions such as these. Why have wand legislations in the first place? Goblins are not harmful to society. Sure they may be rather ugly, cunning, pointy little creatures, but this could be used to wizards' advantage. If one simply harnessed the power of the goblins, wizards could gain domination over all other magical creatures. For what is a wands sole weakness? Yes, that would be swords – but not just any sword. Only a goblin crafted sword such as the sword of Godric Gryffindor can effectively slice a wand in two and render it and the user powerless. Thus I reiterate my previous point of subjugating goblins like our lives depended on it (which they do).

In short, there is a much more pressing underlying problem than whether Goblins can wield wands or not. Only fools claim that goblins riot because they wish to have wands. Goblins – as recently improved and certifiably tested psychoanalysis tells us – riot because of a deep feeling of inadequacy dating back to before the 18th century. Yes goblins feel inadequate when compared to wizards. This established fact has been translated to "feeling inadequately equipped" and misconstrued so that wizards tend to think goblins are outraged they cannot use wands. But the real reason goblins riot is that they simply feel inadequate. And who can blame them? Goblins are merely the shorter, stouter, harrier, and much uglier offspring of wizards themselves. The banshee's garden gnomes, if you will. Hence rioting is the only remaining method by which the goblins can aspire to boost their self esteem. And what do egotistical wizards do in return? We misconstrue their true feelings and pass meaningless legislation as if to rub the Goblins' failure into their faces. This is a grave problem indeed and I can only think of one alternative. So listen closely, I will only say this once. Each wizarding family would do well to adopt at least one goblin and raise, love, and care for it as if it were their own child. Then perhaps goblins can slowly progress into having healthier and overall more confident self images as well as benefitting society by becoming house elves. Then there would be no more need of rioting to attempt to solve problems (it never works), blaming of Goblins, or passing of utterly useless legislation.

I am afraid my revolutionary-old-fashioned ideas may have been hard to follow for some (though perhaps not you Professor Binns, my most esteemed teacher). To remedy this, I shall recap: 564 Goblins plus three house elves reveal the poor choice in prompt for this assignment, Dumbledore is old and thus always right, Goblins are not the only ones with miseries, world domination, Goblins have fickle self-esteem, and adoption breeds better wizards. But I suppose if you threatened me with all three unforgiveable curses I would answer no to the question (though many, including myself have since forgotten what that was).

**A/N: What fun it is to write things that do not make sense! But I bet you did not find it pleasing. Well you were not the only one: Roonil's essay forced good ol' Prof. Binns to give the first T of his extremely long career. **

**Seriously though, any comments? **

**Oh and did you recognize the prompt? You should have. ^^**


End file.
